~ An Antidote for Our Epidemic of Loneliness ~ Cultivating a Sense of Marvel in Our Conversations
When was the last time you had a conversation where you felt loved, understood and connected? Research has shown one of the major determining factors of a happy life is having warm connections. Yet today, people are feeling levels of loneliness greater than ever before. We live in a world where it is easy to be “unfriended” or “canceled” if you say the wrong thing or your beliefs are different from others.
Relationships can be hard in the best of times, but now there is a great pull to become polarized on a variety of topics which perpetuates loneliness. In the book “The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility” Heather Holleman quotes Dale Carnegie’s simple key to make lasting friendships, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Holeman’s start to a loving conversation is having 4 mindsets:
- Be curious about other people— Psychologist Mary Pipher reminds us that people are a tremendous gift to the world. Imagine this person has a treasure inside of themselves, a one-of-a-kind viewpoint on this universe. A few questions can unearth volumes: “Tell me the story of that…” or “I want to get to know you. What question do you like people to ask you about your life?”
- Believe the best about someone— This is showing others unconditional positive regard. Give people a chance to tell their story. In the age of the cancel culture, we really need to believe in the best in others. Express liking them and tell them you enjoy being with them. Share a favorite memory you have together. When you do this, people will want to be with you.
- Express concern— Take interest in the lives of others. You want to listen to them so you can support, encourage, and inspire. A biblical way to see this this is “carry one another’s burdens.” One way to do this is to find out what concerns or worries them. Also discover what they are looking forward to or are celebrating.
- Share your life— There is an art to positive communication. One way is to disclose personal information. At the right time in the conversation share some areas of your life that you are celebrating or struggling with. Don’t make this too long. This is a conversation.
If one of these is missing, you might not get the meaningful conversation people crave.
In addition to the 4 mindsets; encourage others, help them with their personal growth and my favorite is “marveling”. Research has shown that when we show legitimate “awe” it leads to kindness, patience, increased satisfaction, and even lower levels of inflammation in our bodies. When you share awe with others it reduces self-focus and promotes social connection. Doing so takes the focus off yourself and can transport people into the realm of mystery. Sharing a sunset together, going on a walk to find exotic birds or asking others about the miracles they have experienced in God can foster marveling.
Marveling involves cultivating a sense of wonder, awe, and acknowledging the beauty and mystery of life. By embracing a marveling mindset, we can approach conversations with curiosity, fascination, and a willingness to learn. This goal encourages us to ask questions, try to understand, and appreciate the unique perspectives and experiences of others. Marveling can help us build bridges across differences, foster empathy, and create a sense of community and connection.
If you would like help in having positive conversations for starters here is a link to questions you could ask others besides “How are you”:
Beyond the First Question ~ Heather Holleman
I would love to help you overcome loneliness and become a master at having meaningful conversations. You can reach me at 415-810-6574.
