An Easy Way to Create a Lasting Relationship
Starting a relationship can seem easy and serendipitous but creating a secure and strong connection can be challenging. Happy couples who turn towards their partners several times throughout the day are more likely to feel satisfied and stay together. John Gottman refers to turning towards as emotional bids or “bids for connection”. A “bid” is any attempt to receive affirmation, attention or any other form of connection. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal. When you accept a bid, you signal to your partner:
~ I am interested in you
~ I am on your side
~ I hear you
~ I like to be with you
~ I accept you
~ You are my priority
The way we choose to respond to these emotional bids is very important to the relationship. To pay attention to your partner is to “turn towards a bid”. To miss a bid or “turning away” can be damaging and cause your partner to give less bids or find enjoyment and attention somewhere else. Every time you turn towards your partner you are creating security and connection. When you drop bids an atmosphere of rejection and disconnection begins. Let me share an example of dropping a bid. Bill is busy working on his crossword puzzle and his wife notes “Oh look at that beautiful red bird in the tree”. Bill grunts and barely looks up from the puzzle. This is a dropped bid. If Bill had just looked up and said, “Yes, that bird is beautiful” the connection could have been made. A negative response turns you away, but a positive response leads you towards your partner.
It is important to learn to recognize “bids” and commit to turning towards them. When bids are dropped you can make a repair by stating you are sorry and then try harder in the future. Shared below is a list of bids to help you become a “master” instead of a “disaster” in creating lasting relationships.
If you would like to work on your relationship, I am a Gottman trained therapist and would love to help you, peggyburnstherapy.com.
Remember small actions can make big impacts!
